"Sadly, I can't develop my style. My wife accepts that I dress up in lingerie but has categorically told me that she couldn't deal with it if I took things further. I know how lucky I am that she's ok with me wearing lingerie and don't want to jeopardise that, so I respect her perspective. I do occasionally go for a makeover with a specialist crossdressing makeup artist/stylist, which satisfies my desires to present myself en-femme, albeit only for short periods at a time. My wife doesn't know about these escapes and I feel guilty about keeping it from her, but don't know what else to do." -L
Crossdressing and gender identity rarely make relationships easier. It is an added element for both people to adapt to. When something happens in one's life, it will impact your partner as well, regardless of what it is. Crossdressing and gender identity are topics that most people do not anticipate having to adjust to when it comes to a relationship, and therefore it can cause our partners to feel lonely and overwhelmed. There's also usually an element of embarrassment that our partners feel. After all, how do you confide in your best friend that you are going through a difficult time because your husband wears bras and panties? There are support groups for almost everything that someone is experiencing, whether for addiction or grief, but not very many options for our partners for this.
Before I continue, please understand this: I am not a therapist and I know nothing about your situation beyond what you have written. I do not give advice, but I can offer my perspective and mention things that you may want to consider.
Crossdressing in it of itself is not wrong, but our partners often need help coming to terms with this side of us and understanding this side of us. Keep in mind that our partners are under no obligation to accept who we are. A crossdressing husband or a partner that is discovering their gender identity can be incredibly difficult things to incorporate in a relationship and not everyone is able to be a part of that.
There's nothing wrong with wearing panties or whatever else you wear. Again, there is nothing wrong with being a crossdresser (or however you feel comfortable identifying) but it's the behavior, actions, and decisions that are related to this side of ourselves that is the problem. I understand what you are feeling. I do. I promise. But I feel you are not being honest with your wife. I understand wanting to keep this side of you a secret, especially if you know that if it weren't, your relationship may go in a direction that you do not want it to.
If you are caught, and the odds are that you probably will be, then the conversation about your crossdressing becomes a conversation about you lying about your crossdressing. I feel that lying to your partner is a bad idea. If your partner is lying about something, anything, then you are probably wondering WHY they are lying and what else they are lying about. Lying about crossdressing may, understandably, cause your wife to think that there's more to this side of you than just lingerie (and it seems to be).
We can't help who we are. And there's nothing wrong with who you are. But I feel you need to be honest with her and that you probably need to be honest with yourself. I am not a therapist but I encourage you to meet with one. They can likely help you with sorting out your feelings and finding a way to have a conversation about all of this with your wife.
Empathy is key in relationships. The thought of going to therapy and potentially discussing all of this with your wife is super scary but I feel you need to find a way to be honest with your wife if you continue to do things, regardless of what they are, that she isn't aware of. After all, if she were going behind your back and not being honest about something, how would you feel? What if she were having after work drinks with a male coworker? What if she was texting her ex? How would you feel if you learned these things?
It's not too late. Having this side of you come to light is likely terrifying, but I feel that getting caught in a lie would make an already tense situation even more difficult.
Love, Hannah
The views and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of XDress
5 comments
Agree Hannah-Lying is not the answer. Be truthful and hope they accept. It will be a shame if they don’t.
I wear panties and change clothes in the locker room of the YMCA and no one has even mentioned it to me.
I came out to myself and my partner about 4 months ago as bisexual after doing a lot of self reflection and self discovery. I am very lucky in the fact that not only was she accepting, but also came out to me as bisexual at the same time. One of the things that I recognized about my sexuality was that I liked to wear feminine lingerie, and shared this with her as well. She has been very supportive of me trying out different things and curious about me embracing my feminine side, and I think enjoys watching me being open to myself. I have yet gotten to the point of allowing myself to fully dress and present as a woman, but her support so far makes me feel like she would embrace that without hesitation. This is all still very new to me and the first time I have written about it. Thank you for making a safe space where I could be comfortable to do so. Happy Holidays!!! James
Hi L, I agree with Hannah in seeking out therapy but I can confess that If I had done that and not kept it a secret my wife may not be my ex wife now. Hi Hannah, Love reading your bogs. Thank you ♥️ Jim
“I do occasionally go for a makeover with a specialist crossdressing makeup artist/stylist” how does one find a specialist? becuase I am not passable even in my wildest dreams…