Greetings dear readers. Some time ago I posted a blog entitled, “Getting the Wife Onboard.” You can read it here. Today, I’d like to take that topic a bit further – coming out to other people. The same principles apply here as those I shared in “Getting the Wife Onboard,” but there is more to consider.
First, if you want to come out as a cross dresser to someone else, examine your motivation. That person probably has no need to have knowledge of your cross dressing. Could it be harmful to them or to your relationship with them? Is it worth the risk? So rule #1 is to always hold the best interest of your friend as paramount in your decision regarding coming out to them. Your coming out is not for their benefit – it is for yours. Be sure you understand your motivation and the possible consequences.
The second rule, if I may be so bold, is “know your territory.” You can get a feel for where the other person is coming from by casual conversation. The topic of cross dressing celebs comes up in conversation. This is an opportunity to get a feel for your friend’s feelings about the topic. Another, and usually safe, way to broach the topic is to mention kilts. Kilts have a long history with a very masculine connotation. Being Irish, it is easy for me to mention the clan tartan and my interest in shelling out the money for a kilt. I’ve never had a negative reaction to that, simply because the Irish heritage is one that commands respect. It is easy to graduate the topic to “I wonder what would happen if men started wearing skirts?”
Let me give you an example of knowing the territory before you come out. We had our house painted this past summer and the painter, a female, told me it would take at least one month. She presents in a very butch manner, even when not working. She has a decal on her truck that has a dark blue background with two horizontal gold bars in the middle. I know what it means, but played dumb and asked her what it means. She explained that it signifies alliance with the LGBTQ community. She’s a very open person and told me she is lesbian and gender fluid. Ah, the perfect opportunity. I told her that I, too, am gender fluid and, given that she would be at our house for at least a month, I would appreciate being able to dress as I desire if it wouldn’t offend her. She was fine with that, as I pretty well knew she would be. Her first day on the job, I greeted her in a skirt and blouse. She complemented me on my choice of color and style. Later in the day she told me my name (male name) just didn’t feel right and asked me if I had a femme name. From that day on, if I was wearing anything feminine, she addressed me as Angie. We now have a very warm relationship. Here is an example of knowing your territory before you reveal your whole self.
I’ve also come out to my esthetician (the person who waxes your body). I go in for a semi-annual waxing and love the results. How did I come out to her? She’s also a beautician. My wife went in for a facial and asked her how she would feel about doing a waxing for a cross dresser. She was fine with it. Problem solved. Every time I go in, I’m wearing panties and my toenails are polished with frost pink (my absolute favorite). I’ve come to know her as a dear sweet person.
The third rule is don’t believe everything you read on the internet. There is some really bad advice out there on how to come out. Let me give you an example of what not to do. A number of years ago I was having coffee with a female friend. She told me about something that had happened the week before. She had a number of friends that liked to go out to eat together and generally just hang out. One of those friends was a large, biker sort of guy. He invited her out for coffee one evening and picked her up. After coffee, when he took her home and parked the car, he told her he wanted to tell her something. He said it would be easier to show her. With that, he pulled down his pants and was wearing a frilly pair of panties. She told me she wanted to laugh, but didn’t want to hurt his feelings. That is NOT the way to come out. From time to time, some celeb comes out and I’m pretty sure they are playing to the shock value. That type of behavior isn’t earning us any points with the general public, and paints us all with a broad paintbrush and makes us all look like a bunch of fruit loops; an image that persists today because of such behavior.
Do you have any experiences, good or bad you would like to share? I think we can all learn from each other. We all want to be accepted for our whole selves, and I do believe that is an attainable goal with select people if we use a bit of common sense. So get that keyboard going – I’d love to hear your stories!
I’ve always been absolutely paranoid about coming out to anybody. It’s scary enough that I’ll always error on the side of discretion before I’m absolutely sure that I’m not over exposing or ever stepping the boundaries of a friendship that I think I might have with someone.
I am new here on Xdress and on the blog and I have read it with all the attention and interest.
I absolutely agree with you, it is not easy in such a stereotyped society to assume our femininity. From an early age I realized my feminine side and never ran away from it. I always tried to be a girl with some description and, over the years, a woman. I always used briefs at the beginning with great care because I lived in my parents’ house, when I started living alone I started to be free to give rise to my wife. I cannot say that I have had any bad experience, nor have I ever been exposed to what was reasonable. I had two boyfriends, but I would like to talk about my current experience. It never crossed my mind to have a relationship with a person older than me 19 years old. I met him at a book signing session was empathy at first sight. After several conversations, some dinners for two he confided to me from an early age that he was interested in men but that he never had the courage to assume it because of family, friends and profession. Now that he was alone, he would like to try his side. I saw so much sincerity in him that I took on my feminine side and explained to him that I felt like a woman from an early age and as such I wore panties on a daily basis and had no relationship at the moment. That day we went to his house and he asked me to see him in shorts, he loved it. From that day we have an excellent relationship, we cannot assume because his children would not accept it. But we are happy whenever we can we are together and I am your wife in every way and I have all your support and affection. I love it like never before !!!!
A happy New Year to all of you wonderful friends! I’ve enjoyed reading all the responses through later December into January. I tend to agree that we might be surprised at how many men wear panties. I have found over the years through conversations with others “like us” online that you can’t really judge the book by its cover. We come from all walks of life and occupations. Fireman, policeman, soldier, blue collar, white collar, professional. We represent all those categories. Thank goodness for the internet and sites like Xdress. Now we know we are far from alone in this love we have for being en femme.
Its so true some women really like it and get into it
If you’re lucky and your woman does then its one of the most intimate things that you can share and its oh so much fun
As I read all of your replies I can’t help but sit here and right my reply and think that I am the most luckiest lingerie wearer in the world,as my wife and I stumbled onto this about 10years ago while holidaying,i tried one of her G-strings on as a joke and it hasn’t stopped to this day,we travel down to the next beach town from us which is about 2hrs drive shopping just for me,lingerie,dresses,heels,and so on. I don’t go all out in public, but 90% of the time I’m wearing lingerie and sometimes even a little bra, but it’s very exiting shopping for womens clothes for yourself with your wife who loves it just as much as me. It’s the old story they who play together stay together,and we couldn’t be any stronger……….Zoecloe
KERI .. yes wear pink. Majority of my panties are pink. My Doctor also knows I wear panties as they have been shown during my checkups. He has never said anything or mentioned my choice in underwear. And yes sometimes they are pink. This I am assuming is that it may be more common than we think – that is men wearing panties. Or maybe that it really doesn’t matter what one prefers to wear as it is just undergarments. My mother in law also knows too as she has seen them hanging on the line drying and she has helped my wife fold clothes on the past. The wife told her that they were mine but I am sure she already knew as they are larger than what my wife’s wears and some are matching but in different sizes. She has said to me before that I wear some colorful underwear. I just say whatever her daughter likes but knowing it’s me.
Happy New Year everyone.
Angie, your comment along with Steve made me realize tat I also have others besides those previously mentioned that know I wear panties. My primary doctor and my dermatologist (a female) also know I wear panties. No one has ever said a word or asked a question. The dermatologist always brings in a nurse so over the years there have been several other women that have seen my panties. It took some courage in the beginning but I knew once I broke the nervous awareness it would be easier the next time and it was. Honestly in the beginning I wore a plain black or white cotton panty. However, I wear nylon panties now and feel I have done my part in making it more acceptable that men also wear panties. Silly as it may be I have not yet worn pink. What do you think gurls? Should I?
December 18, 2018
I just came out to my wife. We have been married for almost 3 years and known each other for 7 years.
At the time I was wearing some very plain boy shorts. She made a comment. Oh you have new underwear? I said yes do you like them? She said yes then I have something I want to tell you but it’s difficult. Then I told her that I like to wear panty’s. That I have had feelings since I was 11…. well you know how the story goes.
Her response was caring and she said you are a man he is in touch with his feminine side. You are artistic, great sense of color, have a beautiful home.
Yet you are manly and confidently and muscular.
This was a huge relief to hear this from her. She is my second wife and my first wife I had a similar conversation and she held it against me for 23 years.
December 18, 2018
Love the Article. I started crossdressing about 0 years ago. I started off wearing panties and when home long skirts. My wife decided that long skirts didn’t really work, so we got some short skirts (Love our local used clothing outlet), and I’ve never looked back. I CD full time now, with a beard and mustache. I haven’t had any problems wearing what I do. Not sexy, but skirts and blouses that are everyday wear (Just went to a strip club with my girlfriend today and had a good time). I’m at the point I just wear skirts all the time. And won’t change it.
December 18, 2018
Coming out to anyone can be rough. It took me a long time and a couple attempts at hiding it for me to eventually tell my wife. Now she supports me. I have been tempted once to tell my best friend of 25 years but, like you said, it would probably be for me and not lend anything to our friendship. I appreciate your efforts to live openly and fully; as someone who does not have the desire personally to share with many/any other people, your honesty both inspires and scares me. :) Regardless, it’s people with your desires and courage that lead to companies like BodyAware/Xdress to survive and thrive.
December 18, 2018
Thank you for putting your insight into words ANgie. I like to wear panties and would all the time if I could. My wife doesnt approve, but tolerates it, and even occasionally buys me lingerie for birthdays etc, but then will later make me feel bad that I like wearing them, suggesting I must be gay (which I am not). You are very lucky to have a fully accepting wife, but i don’t think that is common.
Not sure my coming out to friends other than my wife are as brave as yours are. I have a friend on the east coast that I grew up with. We were close friends and still are. I moved west and our friendship became one of an occasional visit now and then but we still talk frequently. I knew he was gay or at least that is what we called it all those years ago. He is actually a TGirl / sissy by his own description. I have seen him fully dressed and he actually looks quite cute or nice. He was the first person I outed myself to as a pantyboy. These days we agree I am as much of a sissy as he is. He always has encouraged me to explore my fem side and he has always been right about my strong feminine feelings.
Living here I like so many others used the various popular chat sites and have chatted with many others that enjoy the lifestyle, Most though are way off from my tastes and interests. I have met one person from chat. We live locally and seemed to be more in tune with each others interests. We may have chatted a few years before we summoned the courage to meet. It was awkward and not easy. However, we hit it off and liked each other. We know everything about each other. We aren’t totally in sync but very close. We meet now and then, have shopped for lingerie together, buy panties, bras and nighties for each other, talk by phone and consider ourselves gurlfriends These two are the only two on the outside world that know.
I doubt I will ever meet any others but you never know. I am so happy that the world is more open than it was years ago. I accept the lifestyle and love it. I hope blogs and stories like these help others to feel free to explore.
December 18, 2018
Thank you all for your great responses. ML. I’m so glad that you found a lady that appreciates all that you are. I’m so sorry your first wife held it against you, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s her loss and your present wife is your blessing. Obviously she appreciates all that you are and what you bring to your marriage.
Chuck, you too are a lucky guy. Like you, I have a full beard and mustache and dresses absolutely don’t work for me. I look like the bearded lady at the circus! Thrift stores are the best aren’t they? I enjoy long skirts in the winter, but like you, shorter skirts with nice blouses are the best. Enjoy, dear sister!
Dave, thanks for your comments. I’m glad your wife is accepting of who you are. I can well understand that it would be nice for your friend of 25 years to truly understand who you are, but you have made a wise decision in considering the possible impact to your relationship with him. I’m very glad you got the point of what I was trying to say. Again, always consider the best interest of the other person. I am totally with you that Xdress and Body Aware are folks that not only support, but also empower us to embrace who we truly are.
Fran, like you, I wear panties every day, and love the gentle hug of a bra. Nothing like it!
Peter, it sounds like your wife is pretty ambivalent about your cross dressing. She buys you lingerie, then derides you if you wear it. You made mention that she wonders if you are gay. That is a very, very common concern of wives. The big two questions are, 1) are you gay? and 2) do you want to be a genetic woman? For the great majority of us, the answers are no and no. What this concern points to is the wife’s anxiety that she is going to lose her man. Being married with a wonderful wife myself, I can well understand these concerns, and had to deal with them. One of the important things I learned was that I had to assure my wife that I am still her protector and am not in competition with her to see who is the most feminine. She is my girly girl and I love that about her. Be sure you always celebrate your wife’s femininity and make sure she knows you are still her manly man, even if you are wear a bra and panties! From what you shared, I think you have a reasonable chance of achieving her acceptance of your full self. Good luck and best wishes, my friend.
Again, thank you all for your wonderful responses. Keep them coming!
December 18, 2018
Thanks for the blog article. My wife knows I wear nothing other than panties, and is fine with my predilection. My elder brother and I share an underwear fetish. Both he and his wife know I wear panties. He does too, but his fetish manifests itself more in very small bathing suits. While not ‘coming out’ per se, I disclose — or rather don’t hide — my preference for panties by wearing them during my annual, full body dermatology exam, or to other medical and chiropractic treatments. My chiropractor could not have missed my pretty, blue striped panties during yesterday’s adjustment. No one has ever commented or asked a question about my choice of underwear.
My masseuse, who is gay, knows of my fetish for panties, and compliments me on my selection as I undress for a massage session; sometimes leaving my panties on for the massage. I even wore my panties during a couples massage he gave to my wife and I! I came out to a former girlfriend who knew of my affinity for fashion men’s underwear, and more feminine men’s styles when we were dating. We have remained in touch, and while I don’t remember the details of how I opened the topic for discussion, my preference for panties came as no surprise to her. I’ve since shared photos of me, and me with my wife in matching panties, and she has been complimentary too.
One of my most open displays of wearing panties is at a hot springs pool near our home. The pool is clothing optional every day but one designated family day. Rather than go nude as most do, I wear panties rather than a bathing suit. They aren’t the most feminine-looking in my wardrobe mind you, but I am sure it is obvious to some that I am not wearing men’s underwear — or at least something pretty unconventional.
I don’t cross dress into other attire which is obviously feminine, but in addition to panties underneath by ‘gender appropriate’ attire, I do wear women’s leggings and shorts to work out in in public, and have recently started wearing camisoles rather than t-shirts; and with an extra button left open, allow the top edge to be visible across my chest. I just purchased a cami with lace trim across the top edge, and am eager to find the attire to match it with that may offer just a little peek of the pretty edge detail.
I’ve also met a couple other married men online who wear panties, and have gotten together with both of them for drinks; enjoying the opportunity to openly talk about our mutual fascination with panties. Other than with these guys, who I remain friends with, my personal choice in underwear is not something I have ever discussed with another friend. Online forums like this provide some ‘relief’, and an opportunity to share what is, unfortunately, a mostly private choice.
Once again great topic glad so many responded
I came out to my wife she accepted after lots of questions about being gay
I told a GF once. We started out our relationship with a trial of lets see if we can be totally honest ? Well we were about so many things that as the relationship grew i trusted her and she me . So thru a convert about liking tonpsint my toes i told her about my xdress stash showed her some pictures of them in the drawer and she accepted. We brought matching panties allthe time.
But I think I dont discuss my male undies with friends so why panties
Its just my preference so they dont talk about theirs and i donr either
Its on a need to know basis
Love the responses great blog
Thanks for your responses, Steve and Stevie. Stevie, you are absolutely right, that coming out to others should be on a need-to-know basis. That was one of the main points I was trying to make and I’m glad you got it. Steve, you mentioned wearing panties to your chiropractor. I hadn’t thought of that when I wrote the blog, but I too came out quite unintentionally to my chiropractor. I wear women’s jeans, and they are low slung. I know good and well that my panties were exposed over the top of my jeans. He didn’t say a word about them. Cross dress or not, the money is still green, so all is good between my chiropractor and me. Thank you both for your thoughtful responses.
Expanding on my previous comments:
I long for the day when I as a man can wear some skinny jeans sillettos a white shirt with panties and a bra my manicured fingers and toes light makeup (eyeliner, lip gloss and concealer) as a man like women wear jeans and a flannel shirt… I dont think people go around saying what kind of undies do you have on so inthat aspect we dont have to say to others. Now if you crossdress to full transformation it may at some point become necessary for you to come out but otherwise for the Panties and bras no need to tell unless its a SO
Then as early as reasonably possible otherwise as mine said : you didn’t give me the chance to say yes or no now i have a very difficult choice ; “I accept this about u or leave”
Quite the coincidence this blog was posted. I recently came out to my girlfriend of 4 years in September. She has been supportive and encouraging after some reassurance that I don’t want to be a woman and am not gay, the standard questions as Angie was saying. I now wear panties and hosiery daily underneath my work clothes with my nails painted. Most days I wear a bra as well. At home I usually am in a skirt and either a blouse or a standard T-shirt depending on the mood. I also have a satin & lace robe that I sleep in.
Things are much different than they were 6 months ago. The time where I was kidding myself into thinking this side of me was repressible. The urge to dress was too strong and at that point I came out. I shouldn’t have waited so long to tell my girlfriend, but the fear of her not approving and leaving me was what kept me from doing so.
Fast forward to today, and my girlfriend not only supports me in what I choose to wear, but encourages me to wear what I want in public. This side of me is not something I have openly displayed ever, so having her to reassure and support me emotionally is more than I could ever ask for.
As for telling anyone else, there would not really be any benefit on either sides in doing so. I am not very close to any of my current friends, and that information certainly isn’t something that they need to know. My mom and sister are the only family that live in the same state as I, and the former already knows of my dressing. I don’t feel need to be fully dressed around my family at this point (I only really see them on holidays, anyway) and am perfectly satisfied wearing lingerie under my clothes when around them.
While I don’t have any experience telling anyone outside of my girlfriend, I wouldn’t mind someone in a professional environment knowing as most of you told of. I would not be so naïve as to think that someone specifically in the medical practice had never seen a man in panties before. And even if I was the first, I am not ashamed of who I am.
I agree with you
Need to know basis only
As for the dressing cudos to your GF for accepting you
I try to remember my wife wants a man so i try to be aware of that and respectful. You are a lucky man as am I now that I am accepted
It is a sensitive subject, which, to your credit; you have handled extremely well. It feels good to dress as you desire, knowing the person you share the intimacy with feels the same way is equally stimulating. Your blog is, likewise, to your credit.