Hi Hannah. About two years ago my wife caught me wearing a pair of her black lace panties. She got cross and then went quiet about it. I asked if she would discuss it and she refused. About two weeks ago, while chatting over a glass of wine, she suggested that I get therapy to help understand why you like to wear female underwear". That comment hurt like I'd been stabbed. What should I do or should I just leave there and never discuss it again? It's like something has really come between. Is.
I am sure you've figured this out by now, but in case you haven't (and perhaps for the benefit of those reading this who haven't come out to their partners yet) but getting caught is probably the worst way imaginable for our significant others to find out this side of us. Learning your partner is a crossdresser will almost always be a shock. There's going to be a lot to unpack there. Catching your partner wearing your underwear is, well, unpleasant. Underwear, whether it is a pair of black lace panties or something boring, is a personal, intimate thing. Her panties are HER panties. Someone else wearing them is just a little... well...
But many, many partners feel, and justifiably so, that there has been an element of dishonesty uncovered. You may have never LIED about wanting to wear panties, but it's kinda the thing you probably should have discussed before you were married. I suppose it's possible you never ever wanted to wear panties before that moment, but for most of us this side of us awakens early in our lives.
Whenever the reality of dishonesty is introduced in a relationship, it's natural to wonder what else someone was being dishonest about. That is human nature.
For many relationships, it's not the crossdressing ITSELF that is the problem, it's the behavior ASSOCIATED with crossdressing. She may not mind you wearing panties (but please, wear your own, maybe from XDress?), but she may be cross that you were/are not honest about this aspect of yourself.
Here's the thing: Most people do not have experience in talking to someone who wears clothes that their gender normally doesn't wear. It's not unusual to want to understand why someone wears panties or heels or stockings or a bra when they don't *have* to. I mean, many of us want to understand this aspect of ourselves, it's not a stretch to speculate our partners want to know this as well.
I obviously wasn't there for the conversation, so I admit I don't know how it all went down, but maybe, just maybe she was not being as harsh as you may think. It's possible that there is more to this side of you than you admit or realize. I mean, I started off wearing panties and I insisted this was all about panties, but fast-forward a few years...
That's not to say that there IS more to this side of you, mind.
Therapy is wonderful. I LOVE therapy. I still go to therapy. Therapy will never explain WHY I am who I am, but therapy helps with COMMUNICATING to others who I am, whether it is about gender or about other aspects of my personality. I will never know why I am who I am. Which is fine, it's not important, but therapy helped/helps me communicate my thoughts and feelings (whether they are about gender identity/presentation or about problems I am having with someone in my life) with my amazingly patient wife.
Love, Hannah
The views and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of XDress
9 comments
My wife and I have been together for 33 years and married 27 years. I few years ago she discovered some of my lingerie. She took it hard. I now go to therapy to understand how it started, why I do it and where it is going. Therapy really helps me. She sometimes see her therapist to help with life issues as well as my issue. We are very slowly working through my XD. At times we go out on the town and I will wear a bra and panties and stockings under regular clothes. She sometimes asks me if I’m wearing although she had indicated she doesn’t want to know. I absolutely love wearing soft beautiful lingerie rather than ugly men’s underwear and this will never change in me so we have to continue to deal with it.
I was going to therapy about 10 years ago to get through a difficult time in my life. During that time I opened up to my therapist about my desire to wear woman’s lingerie. As it turns out there were several reasons that we figured out that could have brought me here. Being raised around a lot of girls and women made me inquisitive, having a very high stress job and to come home and be stress free in delicate clothing and lastly that lingerie just feels nice. When I disclosed all of this to y then girl friend and now wife she totally got it.. we explored a lot and shared a lot. I k ow that I am the lucky one and I am so appreciative of her and her understanding.
This problem is as old as fine panties themselves. When a woman suggested that I get therapy to help understand why you like to wear female underwear. You could say the same thing to her. A man is not defined by the clothing they wear but the deeds they do. Looking back through old Sears, Penny and Wards catalogs, women had finer panties and luxury hose for busy legs. The mens section was way more boring than the offerings today but not by much.. No wonder men die so much earlier than women. It seems to me women have been sold soft silky alabaster skin while men are closer to a crocodile. Men don’t have nerve endings. Men don’t have eyes for finer things. It’s sports or nothing. Men also are devoid of legs. They never ache. They never suffer from Varicose veins so hosiery that looks good and is functional is also off the list. The fashion industry, the retail industry and Hollywood have all lied to women and when they come home and find that the man who wore those boring boxers, dull pyjamas and pants all these years finds the softness of lingerie, nighties and freedom of skirts and dresses, then they will be surprised. To ask a man to go to therapy? I say, You first.
I agree with Hannah. It’s not so much about the fact that you wear the panties. But more about you were wearing Her panties. Women are very possessive and don’t like those things messed with. As to the therapy, try it and see what happens. It can’t hurt
Hi. I’ve been married for 20 years this year. We’ve been together for 25 years. It was about 12 years into our marriage when I had a desire to cross dress so there was no opportunity to discuss it prior to marriage. We are still together. It is a difficult part of our relationship. I don’t understand it properly myself let alone my wife understanding it, why, where it started etc. To be continued… Maybe…